I am not someone who fancies themselves a lemming. I suppose no one really does, but a little bit of conformity in thought and action is something I’m trying to achieve right now. It’s hard for me. I don’t like other people telling me what to do, think, act. I get bored easily when I surrender to that state. I feel like I’m being irresponsible if I let others tell me what to think and do. I hate to be a fashion victim. I find I always am different from the masses without knowing how, and so I’ve learned to embrace that by necessity. This necessity has become my normal, but I’m trying out being “regular” right now. Staying on a routine, doing my best to stay organized and less impulsive, resisting the internet, slowing everything down, being on time, taking my vitamins, exercising, balancing my checkbook—simple things. But I’m thinking I need to explore the little things because they do count. Sometimes that’s all I need to have the space to relax.
Part of it amuses me, part of me feels icky, but hey, I’m taking on new paradigms. What do I expect? Doing the same thing has been giving me the same result and I want something different in my life right now. It’s time to explore some icky. Not that I haven’t started from scratch before. I’m fairly good at re-creating my life when I’m forced to. This time it’s my own provocation and I’m finding I am overthinking each step instead of just taking it. It’s a bit exhausting, this thing everyone calls “normal.” I’ve stepped up in my community, I’ve stuck my neck out in all sorts of arenas I've not been in before, I’ve been nice to people that frankly deserve just the opposite, I’ve even gotten comfortable being (happily) a Rotary member. Most with mixed results.
But change is hard. I’m finding I have to go back to my measure my bone truths, back to my consistent joys, back to square one to make sure I’m not slipping down the rabbit hole. I am making progress, I think, but it’s the groundwork I keep going back to make sure I’m still being authentic. The Who, What, How, and most importantly Why of who I am and what I want to accomplish. Keeping that conscious groundwork in front of me is essential to the adaptation while the world around me shifts every second. Also keeping an open mind that it probably won’t look like the result I am expecting. Of all things, being an artist should have conditioned me in that regard.
I have to remember that I am not yet fully formed, nor do I have to be, even at my age. Perhaps it’s impossible because it seems like a bit of a moving target. Still, I remain my own persistent object d’art-- one that takes time, reflection, technique, money, and (self)love and the pursuit of random acts of joy to actuate. And it's a gauge for so many projects that matter. Also remembering that it’s a circular process that is not over until it’s over. Hopefully that point won’t come too soon and I can keep going around the block to see what I missed that last time, properly honoring those who have kept me engaged and inspired, and complete what I need to while I’m on this planet.