Gratitude, Sadness and Treating Yourself Lovingly

Hey Hello Friend,

The last couple of weeks I have been traveling through all sorts of unexpected experiences and emotions. My dear friend, Shari of Leo’s Dry Goods renown, came to stay with us from Boulder. She planned her trip when Ben died on July 30, to visit once the dust had settled and my community support might be waning. Oddly enough she arrived the day after I got home from my second surgery in 3 months (the only 2 surgeries I have had). It was so wonderful to have her with us with all her enthusiasm, creativity, great humor and the support of a dear longtime friend. We walked every day, she cooked, cleaned, and helped design some fun new things in the studio.

Now that I am feeling physically better I have been diving into all the sales events that have been my history for the last few years. We had a record breaking show in Rhinebeck at the annual NY Sheep and Wool Festival – a GREAT BIG bow of GRATITUDE to all those who helped make THAT happen.

And then on Saturday we had an amazing last of the season Great Barrington Artists’ Market followed by a fun pop-up to help support an awesome organization called Multi-Cultural Bridge. By the end of all of that, I found myself really run-down, exhausted – and feeling sad. Like really sad.

Meeting people I haven’t seen in a while and learning about their grandchildren seems a far away pipedream to me. Its not like I ever felt like Ben was ready or even interested in having kids it was just a possibility floating around the ether – something that MIGHT happen. That didn’t and won’t.

The outpouring of community support and the hugs continues and oftentimes, leaves me in tears – reminded of my missing person, the hole in my heart. But my heart is not really broken. I feel Ben’s love and energy close to me mostly during my morning meditations when I am able to stop thinking, stop considering and turn my attention away from physical being and toward the energy that is actually me. At that time I am able to feel the energy that is actually Ben.

My heart is not really broken because I don’t miss the suffering. I don’t miss wishing I could erase the anxiety keeping Ben from sleeping. I don’t miss watching him spiral into fear and sickness and not being able to stop that and even reverse it.

When I think back, I know that the lessons I was able to shower on Ben, the retreats at Kripalu, the meditations we shared, and the conversations about mindset and strength helped him. In his big beautiful heart, Ben did not want to experience what was lining up in front of him. He did not want to spend 4-8 months hospitalized while new organs were secured and his failing heart and lungs were taken from his sacred body temple. Ben lived in a beautiful balance for most of his life allowing for fun, adventure, and a level of wellness unanticipated by his doctors. I don’t miss the change in that – the wobble that became greater each day until the end.

I just really miss my sweet son and dear friend with all the love he showered on me, with all the shared history and adventure. There is not a day that passes that I don’t think about him, wondering, and missing. And then I remember it is my human responsibility to have a good day and to shine all that is good forth - for me, for Lucy and Violet and for Ben too. He would not want me to spend my life in mourning. Ben would not want to be responsible for causing me sadness or harm. For him, I pick myself up again today, like I did yesterday, I consume consciously and I treat myself lovingly. Ben taught me that. Below is a photo of the whiteboard he hung in his room – oh and he was an amazing guitarist.