This summer has been a whirlwind of loss, of love and support, and of healing that will be my path for the foreseeable future. You can read back through a few of my recent posts here and on my social media to learn more on the topic. This post will be focused on plans for learning and attaining some tasks in the forward direction.
I’m standing at a crossroad of the grief and pain of great loss and bright shiny future that has been my focus in the past. I am ready to walk carefully toward my goal of financial freedom and increased global impact while traveling through my grief and sadness, honoring all that it is and processing it with the intention of re-entering the world in a way that allows me to serve the universe, and you, and also serve me. My son taught me that serving me always holds priority, as from a healthy place of self-care is the best way for me to share my gifts and that means processing this untold level of deep grief I’m feeling now.
My friend Erinn and I had a morning chat when she told me that her medium had asked her at yesterday’s appointment who John was. She told Erinn that John wants you to know that they are together and everything is ok. At this point Erinn realized that John is my dad and Ben, my 26 year old son who died on July 30 is with him now. Her story brought me tears of joy. Deep relief washed over me knowing that Ben is not alone and that he is with those who love him deeply.
Shortly after our conversation, the candle in my bedroom, that I had lit for Ben when he died, self-extinguished.
Initially I thought that one of my daughters might have blown it out but of course they didn’t.
I brought the beautiful beeswax lotus flower shaped candle that had been burning all night – but had gone out, into the living room to relight it from a second prayer candle I had lit for Ben.
The lotus flower candle burned for a minute and went out again. This candle had been lit all night and most of the day earlier without so much as a flicker of its substantial wick and protected flame.
Moments later the second, living room prayer-candle went out too – without warning or reason.
The living room candle was a tall glass jar candle and it been burning for several days with plenty of wax to keep it going for hours more.
I first lit the prayer-candles upon learning of Ben’s death with the intention of their light lifting Ben to the next realm with comfort, lightness, warmth and love.
Shari, a dear friend in Olympia, WA taught me of the idea that there is a, longer-than-I-would-have-thought timeframe for soul lifting. She mentioned 50 days in some cultures. My plan was to keep those candles burning for that length of time. I had burned through several fat beeswax pillars, a couple of tall-glass-jar candles from the grocery store and had recently lit the beautiful lotus from the end of the last beeswax pillar, to carry Ben along for a few days.
When both prayer-candle flames went out, the message came clear to me. Ben’s soul has been lifted beyond the veil into the next realm.
He is in the best place he could possibly be – with my loving parents who showered us all with creativity and awe back to my earliest memories.
We have raised his soul with prayer and love.
I feel deeply thankful to the Universe for the messages, for showing me the thin veil between realms.
May the strength of the connection I feel to Ben and our communication increase.
May he help me see clearly when it’s cloudy. May he know how fully I love him and have such incredible gratitude for all the lessons he taught. Let the lessons continue.
Let his love nurture his friends through this transition and make them aware of the light that they now carry.
The death of my son is the hardest thing that I have ever endured. I will not hold onto my grief allowing it to turn the rest of my life into a place of sadness and longing. I will learn to communicate across realms and continue on my path to create a life that serves the greater good, the best it can. My path will provide my family with all that helps us to thrive, be loving, healthy and have great fun.
I’m stepping back my grandiose goals to quarterly, then monthly, then weekly and even daily attainable tasks. This focus along with lots of self-love, kindness, patience, and commitment to making this life one of great joy, vibrating love into the ether for all to share will help me heal and move forward.
It is going to take me some time to work it out but for now, this week I will email my list and set a workable weekly schedule with simple tasks assigned each day. Carrying out simple, attainable tasks will move me one babystep closer to a circle of bright light, financial freedom, and global environmental impact.
Right now I just want to ride through whole day when I can think about Ben and not have my heartbreak deeper. A day without tears. I miss my life with Ben to hug and to converse with, to cook with and joke with and text each day with so much love, gratitude and understanding flowing between us.
Oh Ben. My prayer to you today is that you are happy and free and having a wonderful experience. I pray that you will be in close contact with me in a way that makes sense for both of us. I love you today as much as I did the day you were born when my world opened to unconditional love.
Love is the way and one thing is sure. This transition I am experiencing is eased with the intense flow of love and support that is coming at me from every direction. It is amazing and overwhelming and the most beautiful and heart opening and breaking experience all at once.
So I will channel all the love that comes to me inside and through me and then back out into the wild blue yonder to bring balance into our midst. Let this love be the beginning of humans recognizing our power to overcome any negative with love.
If you think this sounds weird, try it.
If you are not sure how to start, reach out.
The first lesson Ben instilled in me was self-worth.
More on that next time.